Saturday, September 09, 2006


Why is it so difficult to say goodbye? If you can rationalize the farewell as being in your best interests ought emotion not get in the way? To cling to every last moment you can extract from that shared promise. To swear fidelity knowing neither of you will. To savour the sentimentality of years gone by for one last wretched moment? To reminisce about times that mean less as days go by?

I’ve been trying so very hard to say goodbye to an old friend and lover. One who turned out to be a fiend. She was a good mistress at first. High maintenance, I’ll readily admit, but asked for very little in return. She was never jealous and didn’t mind me sharing her. Some of my best friends have tasted her sweet, but oh so addictive, lips. And I’ve made some friends by having shared her.

I first met her, many years ago, on a school trip to the hills. She lured me with her promise of warmth when all around the mist was closing in. Her burning embrace alleviated the cold for a while but it soon became obvious that I was being sucked into her vortex faster than my happy brain could react. And then I began to visit her for the fiery glow she gave me. More often than was good for me. She kept me warm when no one else would. She was by my side when all else had abandoned me. And all the while she asked for nothing in return but my money. It was an easy alliance. In retrospect, all too easy.

In time, however, it became embarrassing to take her out in public. Apparently her kind had gone out of vogue. She was apparently a vector of disease. Her easy, some may say slutty ways, endangered her lovers and her lovers acquaintances, even if they didn’t share her love. She was banned from going to most public places and I only loved her more. For being with me despite the social ostracism. We’d share stolen moments, furtively hiding in dark corners and careful not to let anyone see our frenetic movements.

But now I’ve come to that open realization that she was, and is, bad for me. I can’t keep up with her anymore. She’s forever young but our love has taken its toll on me. I’m breathless and tired when I’m with her. And because of her. I know it’s for the best for us to part. And I’ve been trying, so so hard, to let go. And have closure. We still hook-up once in a while, with a satisfyingly decreasing frequency, but I need to end this. I can’t live my life with her. Her love may be unconditional but it requires too much from me. Else she’ll kill me. And that’s far too high a price to pay for her love. I hope we’ll be able to stay apart. Forever. Help me stay strong.

"Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend."


mohayana said...

Haha..Good one.
Am similarly less smitten now. Although my affair has been much shorter , those pangs sound all too familiar.

Keep at it.

Anonymous said...

nicotine patch works? or if too american , maybe drown out smoking by becoming alchoholic ... or addicted to enemas .

Anonymous said...

wat a waste... no good for you, i ll only know when i ll do the same. This is it right?

blr bytes said...

Mohayana: Such a slut she can be. Everyone wants her.

Anon: Tried alcoholic once, didn't work out. Will try enemas. Are they addictive too? Speaking of which, today is the 100th anniversay of Gandhi's first day of non violence.

Gandhi's 100th Anniversary

MB: Who knows. Come back and you'll find out.

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